"Over the weekend, I went to Venice Beach. I went into the ocean, got hit by a wave, and the ocean pulled my trunks completely off. And then threw me onto the beach, naked. And I think, 'Well, this is not so bad. Maybe a Baywatch lifeguard will come over and save me.' Next thing I know, I’m getting mouth-to-mouth by David Hasselhoff. Ahhh, the taste of hamburger and whiskey." -- Craig Ferguson